Anne Josephson – Raising All Kids Up

We all want our children to succeed. But what happens when a parent feels that there isn’t enough achievement to go around for everyone? What happens when parents become convinced that their child’s success is threatened when another child succeeds?

There is a well-known African proverb: “It takes a village to raise a child,” yet I am growing increasingly concerned that in this world of hyper-competitive parenting that the members of the village are more likely to stomp down rather than raise up others’ children.

We have all seen it: The mother who groans with disgust when another child gets a higher score at a meet. Then there is the father who insists to the coach that his child should get more playing time or be the starter on a team. And, of course, there are parents who gossip about other children, demeaning their talent, their worthiness or their intelligence in the name of bolstering their positive feelings about their own kid.

Don’t worry, I am guilty of it too.

We know why we do it. We love our kids so much. We are vulnerable when we think that they might not get the best things in life. We become insane. We lose rationale and rationalize behavior that we know is ugly and just wrong.

Of course, it is understandable that we all want our own children to be the winner, to get the lead in the play or to be the one who gains admission to the prestigious school. Of course, we love our own children best. But we can never confuse our profound love for our children with the idea that the world revolves around our children. It doesn’t. Furthermore, ugly parenting moments occur when we believe that there is not enough success for everyone and their child’s opportunities and advancement is compromised when another child succeeds.

The truth is there is often plenty of success to go around. And, even when there isn’t, when there is just one gold medal, one lead in the show or one last spot in the school, it doesn’t give us an excuse to act like jerks.

After all, imagine a world where we celebrated children’s successes—even those children who are not our own. Would it be a better world or a worse world?

Think about what the results would be:

For the child who accomplished something—an increased sense of pride that there are adults in her world beyond her family who are proud of and value her contributions.

For the parents of the accomplished child—a sense of being a part of a community that is invested in the success of their child and an increased likelihood that they will pay it forward by being invested in others’ children.

For the child of the parent who is happy for another child’s success—an understanding that good sportsmanship extends beyond shaking hands at the end of the game and modeling of the valuable lesson that it is possible to be sad for your own loss but happy for another’s success.

For the parent who extends good wishes beyond their own child—the great feeling that goes with mentoring a young person and of being a good and decent person.

For our community in general—a great sense of connection and support.

I think the answer is pretty clear. It is important to remember that we are all in this world together. When we celebrate the successes of children who are not our own, we recognize the special strengths and talents that they contribute to the world.

Yes, occasionally that may come at the direct expense of our own kids. The gold medal is awarded to someone else. Another child gets the lead in the play. The final spot in Prestigious U goes to another student. Those moments do hurt, envy can and will creep in, but allowing it to ruin another person’s shining moment is simply wrong. Remember: you are entitled to your feelings, even the really ugly ones. What you are not entitled to is being mean-spirited and unkind.

Being a good person requires that we act graciously. Being a virtuous person requires us to  congratulate and even celebrate the child’s success.

Which person do you want to be? Which person do you hope your child believes you are? Which person do you want your child to grow up to be? Which person do you want to be a part of your community?

I certainly hope it’s the one who raises kids up.

So, get out there and praise the accomplishments of other people’s children. Look for opportunities to tell your friends how fabulous their kids are. Go out on a limb and look for opportunities to mentor and build successes for other people’s kids. I am not suggesting you be a sycophant, rather someone grateful for the success of all children. On the flip side, stop gossiping about the children within your community. Stifle the urge to make snarky comments. Don’t let envy get the better of the good person you strive to be. And, most importantly, be grateful for who your child is and what unique talents and gifts your child brings into the world.